I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
