Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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