And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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