Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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