I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
honey bunches of taint.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
