I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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