her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
