just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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