I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
