The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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