I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
