you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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