Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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