The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
