umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
