Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
