is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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