Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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