Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
