I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
