And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
