Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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