I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
