Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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