omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
