Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
