My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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