the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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