I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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