I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
