he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
