we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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