Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
