I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
