According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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