I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
