I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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