I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
