he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
