White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
