woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
