So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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