Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
