Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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