Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
