you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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