and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
