Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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