Umm I'm too high to move.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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