Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
